*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
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The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”