Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
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Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.