Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
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I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
Cake!!
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.