Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
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Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
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Tornadoes are the most relaxing things in the news.
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
m
e
e
e
e
a
n
s
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
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Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
*watching our 7yo’s softball game*
Me: Where’s our kid?
Him: The one dancing
Me: Ah, yes
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.