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Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.