i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
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How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
i- i did not expect this
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
Saw online –
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
Wait for it
*serious situation*
My brain:
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.