Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
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Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
the pigeons are already plenty salty
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Match dot com, but for socks.
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.