[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
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Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.