[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
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Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
Gross if literal…Liverpool
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.