me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
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[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators