Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
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Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
My life coach traded me.
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed