My life coach traded me.
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My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
Lmbo
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
Meeeee too!
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
Happens to everyone.