I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
You Might Also Like
what could possibly go wrong?
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
Everyone’s family
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb