@mxmclain

My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”

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@BRENTHOR

Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?

Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?

@CornOnTheGoblin

me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you

@Carbosly

The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.

I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.

@Rollinintheseat

When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.

@johnbiehl

Me: this a rush song?

Bartender: yeah, you a fan?

Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*

@BarryVonAwesome

If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”

You’re doing it wrong

@Lance_Said_This

Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.

@chairkeyre

I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward

@UncleDuke1969

Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?