When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
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Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
The Backseat Boys
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.