*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
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HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
Haha good job!!
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
[canadians at you, canadianly]
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.