My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
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It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
Home is where your toilet is.
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.