[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
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My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
There should be a place that rents baby goats out by the hour to come over and maintain your lawn
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers