[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
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I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
my first day as a raccoon