Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
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I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party