I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”

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If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.


Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart


The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.


you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am


My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.


If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”


Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”


Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.


4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.

Me: How do we do that?

4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”

I might be raising Elmer Fudd.