I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
You Might Also Like
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup