I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
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inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
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