I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
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If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
It’s easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods.
But it’s harder to deter gents.
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
Theater attendant:
Sir, you can’t bring your own popcorn in hereMe: *pausing microwave
What?
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
He died doing what he loved: being alive
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.