i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
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Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.