People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
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Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.