Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you

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People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.


Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.


“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”



[reading The Night Before Christmas]

son: what’s a kerchief?

daughter: what’s a clatter?

son: what’s a sash?

daughter: what are coursers?

son: what’s soot?

daughter: what’s a peddler?

son: what’s a thistle?

me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.


Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky

Vampire: don’t say it like that


Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?


We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’


Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!

Bad sex? Just add Tequila!

Bad day? Just add Tequila!

Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.