@BruceForce

Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you

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@missekay

People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.

@1Happytwit

Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.

@RandiLawson

“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”

“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”

@HenpeckedHal

[reading The Night Before Christmas]

son: what’s a kerchief?

daughter: what’s a clatter?

son: what’s a sash?

daughter: what are coursers?

son: what’s soot?

daughter: what’s a peddler?

son: what’s a thistle?

me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.

@Megatronic13

Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky

Vampire: don’t say it like that

@tobyherman27

Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?

@GensPlace

We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’

@crunchenhanced

Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!

Bad sex? Just add Tequila!

Bad day? Just add Tequila!

Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.