My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
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I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
Stop sending me this shit.
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
Aw man, but that’s the best part
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”