My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
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Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
thank god
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit