When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
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new career option?
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in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain![]()
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I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
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if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.