When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
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Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon