damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
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I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
(True)
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
so, is there a mister shapen head
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
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