(True)
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[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.