Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: no hablo Inglés
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How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
Super Hand Dog Face
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
NVM no egg
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
Me My dog
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u