Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
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If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”