Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
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Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
Me: Do you have a Summer menu?
Waiter: We have a menu at all times of the year. Otherwise people couldn’t select food and beverage options.
Me:
23. the denim jacket
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!