Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
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don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
He wanted to make sure😂
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.