Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
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Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
me hooking up with my ex
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
My blood type is b hungry.
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.