DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
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I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
Facebook memories be like
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.