Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
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Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don鈥檛 have to meet with their teachers.
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That鈥檚 not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You鈥檒l all be sorry!
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180掳]
I was hungry
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
Him: I like you.
Me: I鈥檒l soon put a stop to that.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
I needed this laugh 馃槀馃槀馃槀
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
Every work call, he judges.
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
Ironically I鈥檓 watching an exercise infomercial because I鈥檓 too lazy to get the remote.
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you