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My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
Proctology is located in A55