Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
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Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.