I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
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The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
No regrets in 2018
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
just left a huge legacy in there