I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
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decorating my apartment
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Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
I’m in a hotel and someone named Emily has multi mode turned on. Should I connect to her speaker and put on this playlist
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When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough