cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
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The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
Oh yeah that’s it
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with