UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
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Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years