Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
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Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
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DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest