You Might Also Like
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”