[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
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So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.