The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
You Might Also Like
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man