The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
![]()
You Might Also Like
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
![]()
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
Got ya covered
![]()
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
okay run it by me one more time
![]()
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
The prophecy is fulfilled
![]()
The only good comments section online is on recipes
![]()
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.