The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
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Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
Childbirth is so beautiful
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.