me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
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*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God