You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
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I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”