If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
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The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
#catsoftwitter
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.