My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
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Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.