Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
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*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.