@Tbone7219

Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.

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@sad_tree

[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*

@Smooheed

FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE

I yelled at my gynecologist

@Reverend_Scott

if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?

@texasstalkermom

Want his attention?

Send nudes

Want to piss him off?

When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”

@PJTLynch

Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.

@FinallyHeSleeps

Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.

Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.

@KyleMcDowell86

*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS

@BacklineNurse

FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea

@jferg1616

Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”