Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
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I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’