Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
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My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.