Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
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When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
Match dot com, but for socks.
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
TRAIN’S HERE
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.