Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
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of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
Bartenders are just boneless bars
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
the rocks need my help
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
Happy Caturday!
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.