my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
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Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight