my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
![]()
You Might Also Like
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
Just walked up at the movies and the box-office lady looks at me and goes “lemme guess, one for Furiosa?” like wtf, come on bro. Also yes, one for Furiosa.
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
My plan to avoid getting lost in the IKEA both succeded and failed. Apparently, when you try to mark your path with swedish meatballs, they quickly find you and escort you out.
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
![]()
If you work at a library and a barber shop you’re a barbarian
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.