thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
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I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
The struggle is real.
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”